My Mom's death has been the most spiritual experience of my life. As I look back to what went on over the past few weeks I am in awe of the Spirit that we all felt so strongly.
It all started with a phone call from Natalie, it was obvious she had been crying, and she wanted to know if I could talk on a conference call with the sisters. I had time, so we talked and talked.... and talked. Heather told us that Mom was not doing good, that she was staying in bed pretty much all day and also sleeping for a good portion of the day. This was shocking news to me, for I had just been there with Mom to spend some time and get her Christmas shopping done the week before. When I left, Mom was still up and about, talking as usual... the only difference was she was sleeping a lot more because of her medications. This call with the sisters took place on a Thursday night. Natalie, Shalean, and I decided that we would come up that Monday to come take care of my mom. She needed someone there all of the time. My dad told Natalie in a conversation earlier that day “I just need my girls”. We cried as we talked... what does this mean? Is Mom going to die? Is Monday soon enough? We just didn't know.
The next day I got a phone call from Heather, she was at mom's house, crying. She said you guys better get up here soon. Mom had been in bed for 2 days, and told Dad that she didn't think she could make it until Christmas. Rhett, Justin, Lance, and Heather were all there, and they were pretty much saying their goodbye's. In a flurry, I threw a bunch of clothes and whatever else I could think of into a suitcase, grabbed Macey, and took off to Idaho. Randy had to stay behind to finish a final, and then came up in a different car.
The drive to Idaho seemed to last 10 hours. What was going to happen? Was I going to be able to tell Mom goodbye? Will she be able to talk to me? My mind was spinning so fast, I just couldn't believe all of this was happening right now. When we finally got to Idaho Falls, I remember my heart pounding so hard it felt like it was going to jump right out of my chest! I recognized the cars out front. Everyone was there. I walked into the house and met teary, concerned eyes. It was obvious that Mom was dying. I walked back into Mom's room and was heart broken at what I saw. She was lying there with no wig or hat, no make up-- which was a rare occurance for her-- and was snoring very loudly. Her medications were making her extremely sleepy, and talking to everyone that day had just wore her out. Mom's nurse told us that even if mom wasn't awake, she could still hear us. So I sat down next to Mom's bed, and just cried and talked to her. I told her how much I love her, that she has been my best friend since high school, that I'm going to miss her so much- but we'll be ok when she goes. I told her that we will take care of Dad and Clint. And then I told her to make sure that she comes to let me know that she's ok when she has passed. I just boobed for 20 minutes. She didn't wake up once, just snored very loudly. She looked so worn out... she was getting weaker from fighting the cancer. She had lost so much weight-- we think about 50 lbs-- and just didn't look like herself... especially without her hair and make up!
After I “talked” with her, I went out to the living room and visited with everyone else. All of the siblings were there. We were all very concerned, in shock that the end had come so soon. That night I took Macey and went to check in at a hotel, Mom couldn't handle the noise. Randy met us there. The next morning Shalean called on Randy's cell phone telling us to come over, Mom was awake and wanted to talk to all of her children. We jumped out of bed and rushed Macey over to Rhett's house to play so we could go see my mom. There were a million cars out front. When we walked into the front room it was so silent, and I didn't see anyone! I panicked, and rushed back into Mom's room. Inside were all of the siblings with their spouses, Dell & Syd, Diana, and Grandma Robertson. Justin told me “she wants to give you a hug.” I walked next to Mom and tenderly hugged her body, she couldn't really move. She kept saying “I love you, I love you”. She told Randy “thanks for coming.” (always the entertainer). After I talked to mom for a little while, Rhett and then Dad gave her a blessing, releasing her from this world. They were very good blessings, very moving. We all sat and cried in the room for a while after that.
Saturday and Sunday the siblings hung around the house all day, just waiting. Saturday afternoon Mom's Bishop came over to visit. He told her that it was ok to go, that it's time to turn in her test... and that he's pretty sure she scored 100%. The last time Mom had eaten anything was Thursday. The sisters and I were taking care of her. She would drink water out of a straw pretty good, at first. We were also constantly going back to give her her medicines, checking her body to see if she was too hot, or too cold etc. Saturday Mom lost control of her bowel movements. Dad came out of the room that morning crying, saying that she had had an accident. I wasn't there for that, but Natalie and Shalean got it cleaned up and put new sheets under her, and towels. When it happened again in the afternoon, we decided we had probably better go get some diapers for her. The kidneys were starting to cleanse the body, and she was really soaking things up. The hospice nurse, Bonnie, was an absolute angel. She helped us SO much, and I am so grateful for her. Every time she came to check on things she was a breath of fresh air. We (the sisters) were all so worried that we weren't doing a very good job taking care of Mom, but she told us otherwise. She told us that we were the poster children for Hospice, because you don't see family helping out very much anymore.
Starting Saturday Mom couldn't drink out of the straw anymore, and so we had to sponge water into her mouth. Poor thing, she was so thirsty, and would stick her tongue out like a dog when she wanted more. She talked off and on that day, but hardly anything Sunday. Each day she got worse, and we kept thinking, how long can this go on? She was really out of it, you could see it in her eyes. Her eyes were just black, and when I would go back there to her room, all I had to do was look into her eyes to see if she was really “there” or not. Randy had to go home Sunday morning to prepare for finals, and took Macey to his parent's house in Logan so I could just focus on taking care of my mom. We were thinking for sure Sunday is the day that she would go. The nurse said it would be hours, not days. But she had said that on Saturday! The siblings were still all there on Sunday, just waiting, keeping each other company. It was very nice to be with them all. Since we didn't get a chance to go to church that day, we had a discussion in Mom's room. We were all huddled around her bed. She was sleeping peacefully. My brother Lance started asking questions about the temple. My Mom heard his voice and heard what we were talking about and reached out for him. That was the most I had seen her move in 2 days. She really wanted him to learn about the Temple. He held her hand the whole time, crying. The discussion/lesson we had was a very spiritual one.. We talked about what was going to happen to Mom when she dies, the reunion of her and Lori, what spirits do and where are they at, and the temple. The Spirit was so strong, and I was feeling excited for what was to come for my mom.
Sunday the ward prepared food for our family and brought it over for us. It was so overwhelming... just pots and pots of soup, rolls, cookies, chips, drinks, we were set for a week! The ward members were all very concerned and a few of them cried when they gave their condolences to us. That ward is so amazing. Mom and Dad's home teacher came over after their Sacrament Meeting to give us the sacrament. That was so special. He just cried and said he loved Mom so much, he said he came over to home teach every month, but it was really her that was doing the teaching. He brought his teenage son with him, who went back into Mom's room to give her the Sacrament. She couldn't swallow or chew, so he just touched the bread to her lips, and drizzled a tiny bit of water into her mouth. She knew what was going on and tried to move for it. It was such a spiritual experience, I don't think there was a dry eye in the room when he was blessing the Sacrament.
We tried our hardest to keep it quiet for my mom... but it got pretty hard with all of us there. It was just the siblings and our spouses (Randy was still in Provo though, taking tests), the kids were all over at Rhett's house. We just all sat around... waiting. The sisters were in charge of taking care of mom. I was the one who kept giving her her pain meds... and I hated it! She would pucker up when I put it in her mouth, it must have tasted awful, but by the furrow of her brow I could tell she was in pain. If one sister went in, we all did. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, taking care of her... every single time we went in there to swab her lips and readjust her pillows or change her diapers, my mom would tear up. She knew what was going on, I know she wanted to talk to us so badly. It was heart wrenching. I remember one time in particular we were (the sisters) lying on her bed with her, talking to her and each other, telling her how much we loved her... and we all knew that our other sister Lori was there with us, just waiting for Mom to come join her!
It was Sunday that was the last time my mom spoke. For Christmas I had bought her a Marie Osmond doll, and I was so excited to give it to her! Well, it dawned on me that she wouldn't be here for Christmas so I went to the car, opened the gift and brought the doll into the room. To my surprise, Mom was somewhat awake. I told her how much I loved her, and that I had bought her this doll for Christmas, that it was a Marie Osmond doll. I told her I know how much she loves Marie, and this doll reminded me of when I was a baby, in a beautiful pink blessing dress. I held it up in front of her face and she looked at it and whispered “cute, cute”. Those were the last words my mom said.
Sunday night there was a knock on the door. I was laying on the couch, looking at Dad... we both didn't want to answer it. We were tired of people. Finally someone went to open the door and we were shocked at what was there. About 50 people, couples, teenagers, children of all ages in the driveway... singing Christmas Carols to us. We all grouped up into the doorway, listening to them sing the beautiful songs. There wasn't holding back any crying, and soon I had to dig my face into my Dad to hold my composure. How sweet. That ward never ceased to amaze me, they were all so concerned, so loving. When they finished singing their songs a lot of them came up to give us hugs and cry on our shoulders. It was such a spiritual experience, to see the love that our spirit brothers and sisters can have for each other, even though we'd never met.
Each time we had to change my Mom's diaper was torture. She would tear up (that must have been complete hell) and it would put her in so much pain. That night she kept furrowing her eyebrows-- that meant she was in pain, and I panicked and called the nurse. She told me that she's really not surprised... bone cancer is just horrendously painful. We were told to put another life patch on her (20 times stronger than morphine, I'm told) which would make 2, and to drip some anxiety drops and liquid morphine into her mouth. That seemed to help and Mom went back into a peaceful sleep. I just wanted to keep her as comfortable as possible, so that she could go peacefully.
Monday morning Justin came over and told us girls to leave. (The other brothers had to go to work.) He was really worried about us, we were running on empty and needed a break. He said “let me take care of her, she's my mom too!” So we went to town, and went shopping for dresses to wear to the Funeral. We kind of regretted going out when we started running into people we know that would ask about Mom. We all had really bad anxiety and just wanted to be back at the house taking care of Mom. Shopping didn't last long.
Mom started making a gurgly sound Monday morning when she was breathing. It was very, very disturbing to listen to; it sounded like she was drowning! The nurse calmed our worries and said that it's just flem at the back of the throat, and is not uncomfortable for mom at all... it's just hard for us to listen to! Mom never woke up on Monday, I could tell she wasn't “there”. In the afternoon I was in the room with Dad holding mom's hand, just talking and he said “I bet she's saying goodbye to each of the grandkids right now”. What a special thought.
It was Monday that I had a breakdown. I was so worried about Mom being in pain, and was very scared to give her more medicine because she had lost her swallowing reflex... and it was so hard to listen to the gurgle. I was just exhausted, and traumatized from everything that was going on. I left Mom's room in tears and said “I can't go in there anymore”. I had reached my limit. Justin came out of Mom's room (everybody was in there) and gave me a great big bear hug. I just melted in his arms. I didn't know how much more I could take.
That night the gurgling had gotten so bad that Dad broke down and said that he didn't think he could sleep in that room tonight. How heartbreaking. We (Natalie, Shalean, and I slept at mom and dad's) decided we would all sleep in the living room together, on the couches and recliners. Dad went back in the room and we overheard him tell Mom that if she goes before he comes back, just know that he loves her so much. Being the daddy's girls that we are... that put us in sobbing mode. He came out and closed the door behind him, and collapsed in his recliner. I was very anxious... I knew it would be anytime now. I just wanted her to go so bad, it was torture watching her suffer like this... and seeing my dad in so much pain was unbearable. I asked Dad if it was ok if I went back into the room one more time to say my final goodbye. He said of course it was, so I went back there by myself, even though I had said I couldn't go back in there anymore. When I walked into the room the gurgling was loud, and Mom's little heart was beating so fast it looked like it was going to beat out of her chest! Her breathing was getting very short and there were long pauses before each breath. It wouldn't be long. The nurse had taken out her oxygen earlier that day because it was just prolonging things, and Mom's ear was getting rubbed raw from laying on the tubes. I held Mom's hand and kissed her cheek and told her that it was ok to go home now, we are going to take care of Dad. We'll just baby him. I told her to give Lori a great big hug for me. And not to forget to let me know that she was ok. I cried while I told her how much I love her, that she is my best friend, and that our relationship has meant so much to me. I told her to just love my babies that haven't been born yet. It seems like every time I talked to her I told her the same things, but I never felt like it was enough. Maybe it's because she wasn't able to acknowledge me and tell me the same thing in return. That was about all I could take... I didn't want to see her take her last breath, so I gave her another kiss and closed the door. I was the last person to say goodbye to her.
After I came out of the room we decided we needed a distraction. So we put on our family's favorite movie... Christmas Vacation! We were about 10 minutes into the movie when I realized I needed to finish up the Christmas gifts. My mom had made a to-do list about a week prior and I knew I needed to finish it for her. I had bought all of the grandkids their presents and had wrapped most of them, now I needed to get my mom and dad's siblings gifts ready. I went back into my room to grab the wrapping paper and didn't hear the loud snoring/gurgling from Mom's room. I was so nervous, I just couldn't take going back there anymore, so I went back into the living room and finished the presents. After I got Mom's to-do list done I looked at Natalie and asked “should I check?” she told me yes, so I slowly walked back to mom's room and opened the door. I didn't hear anything, and I could not see her breathing (when I said my final goodbye she was breathing SO hard and heavy). I looked back at Nat and waved her to come here quick. She said “dad, come on” and my dad literally jumped out of the recliner. Shalean was right behind him. We all walked into the room at the same time.... it had happened. Mom had died. She made it.
Natalie, Shalean, Dad and I just held each other, locked in a big group hug... looking at Mom. She looked so peaceful, and I was so happy that her body had finally given up the fight. We wondered what Mom was doing right then. Was Lori right there to greet her? I knew she hadn't been gone long... maybe about 15 minutes. She was still very warm. Dad went over to her and tried to close her jaw, but it was locked. That was a very strange thing, I was just grateful that her eyes were closed (the pamphlet that Hospice gave us said their mouths will be open as well as their eyes when they die). We were there for about 5 minutes just holding each other and crying, when we decided we needed to call everyone. I grabbed the phone and called Rhett. It was 12:19 AM, he answered on the first ring. I told him “she's gone” and I started sobbing. He said he'd be right there. After that I called Justin, Heather, and Lance... they all came within 15 minutes. Unfortunately Clint was in Island Park, working. Personally, I don't think he was handling things well and used work as an excuse to get out. Dad called him. I'll never forget it. Clint didn't have service so we knew he wouldn't get the message until morning, Dad left a message saying “Clint, your mom has just died” and totally broke down. He was crying so hard he couldn't breathe, and then hung up. Later than night he called and left a more composed message, so Clint wouldn't freak out. Dad called Grandma Robertson and Diana to let them know... and he called Bonnie, the hospice nurse, she had to come and pronounce the death. She came from Rexburg and was at our house in about 30 minutes. She must have been flying. While the siblings were on their way over, I called Randy to tell him.
The moments that we spent with Dad after Mom had passed- are so precious. Actually, everything that happened that night after Mom died was so precious. I have never felt so at peace with it all, and so close to my family and to Heavenly Father. When all the siblings got there we all gathered and kneeled around the bed. I held Mom's hand, and felt the warmness leave. It was so surreal seeing mom there, but not hearing her breathe, not seeing her body move. But the room was so peaceful, the Spirit was so strong. We were all thinking the same thing, how amazing the reunion must be with Lori right now. How happy Mom must be.
When Bonnie showed up she gave us all a hug and told us that she had gotten so attached to Mom. Even though she had only been with Hospice for 6 weeks, it must have been one of those kindred spirit things. I could totally see it, Bonnie reminded me so much of Mom before she had cancer. She talked to Dad for a while, and went through the medicine cabinet and put all of Mom's pills (there were a TON) down the garbage disposal, counting and recording each one. I was pretty surprised by that. She also called the mortuary for us, when we were ready. Mom had just been in her garments up until then, with sheets over top of her... we didn't want her going out in just her g's... so the sister's and I asked Bonnie to help us change her. We knew exactly what we would put on her. I had bought Mom this cute forest green velour jogging suit that she just loved, she wore it all the time. We put that on her, and a cute little beanie she liked to wear when she wasn't wearing her wig. It was pretty hard to get Mom dressed, emotionally and physically. We were all so tender, as if we didn't want to hurt her. Since the blood had stopped pumping through her body, it was pooling at the bottom of her arms and legs, that was a very strange thing to see. Bonnie kept talking to Mom just like she was still there, which was very touching. She kept saying “Ok Donean, we're just going to roll you on your side now”. She was just so sweet and caring. Couldn't have asked for a better nurse. After we had dressed her we had the family come back in and wait for the hearse to get there. When they arrived, we had a family prayer. We all knew this was going to be one of the hardest parts in the whole process. Mom would be leaving her home for the last time. Rhett gave the family prayer, and it was so so powerful. Once again, there wasn't a dry eye in the room, even Bonnie was crying.... and she's around death every day!
What was next to come, I wasn't prepared for. The two mortuary (don't know what they're called) men were dressed in black suits and went back with a stretcher to get Mom. We all waited in the living room. I had no idea what to expect. When they came out, Mom was lying on the stretcher, zipped up in a fabric bag. It was a slap in the face, and I had to look away. That was a moment of “real” I could have done without.
When the hearse left the house, all of us siblings and Dad stood in a circle and had a big group hug. We must have stood there for 20 minutes, just holding each other. That is my single most precious memory of this whole experience, to see how close we as a family are. How unbreakable we are. I wanted to stay in that big group hug forever. It was so hard for me because even though Mom hadn't been able to talk and move like she usually was able to, at least she had been there, and I had been taking care of her for the past 4 days. Now she wasn't with us anymore. That was a harsh reality. When the hearse left it was 3:30 AM.
We were told we had until 10 AM to get the obituary done to have it printed on December 19th's paper.... we had to get it out then because the viewing was going to be on the 20th.So after we had our family cry together, we all sat down in the living room and brainstormed up the obituary. Surprisingly, it turned out well. It was about 5:30 AM when everyone went home to get some shut eye... we were going to meet at the mortuary in 5 hours to iron out all the details (pick out the casket, funeral time, etc.).
That day was the worst day for me. I kept looking back in Mom's room just waiting for her to walk out. It was hard for me to think about her body just lying in a mortuary. Now that I look back, I was just overly exhausted from taking care of her, and she hadn't even been gone 24 hours then.... I thought I was losing it. I started getting anxiety really bad about the funeral and viewing... seeing people. I didn't want to see anyone. I remember going in to the front room and collapsing, covering my face with my hands and crying. I didn't want to have anyone see me, but of course Dad did, and came and sat by me on the couch. All I could say was “she was my best friend”. He patted me and told me it was ok, and just sat with me and cried. Then he got out the scrapbooks and we reminisced for a good hour and a half. Good ole' Dad.
That afternoon Clint called and said he was on his way home... he had gotten the message. I was really worried about him and how he would handle things. When he walked into the door it was obvious he had been crying, and he was shaking. He came into the kitchen and I was the first person he looked at. I had just planned on hugging him, but really I collapsed in his arms. I started sobbing and hid my face in his chest. He held me so tight and kept saying with a shaky voice “it's ok, it's ok”. I felt stupid. I should be the one comforting him! And then he saw my dad. He went and gave my Dad the biggest, most emotional hug I have ever seen. I've never seen my Dad cry that hard. It was very hard to watch the pain that was there.
While we were planning out the funeral, Mom had made it clear before she went that she wanted her family to do it. Dang her. The sisters had been put in charge of the life sketch. I get REALLY bad anxiety talking in front of people... I had no idea how I could ever pull off something like that. I told my sisters I can't do it.... I can't do it. Finally Natalie told me “Yes you can, you do it for Mom. That's what she would want”. We decided we would all 4 stand up there, to be a support system for each other. In all reality that's the only way I could be able to do it. But I was literally making myself sick over giving part of the life sketch in front of all of those people, with my mom's casket in plain sight.
We had told the Funeral Director that we wanted to dress my mom in her temple clothes, we wanted that experience. So on Thursday around noon, all the family showed up at the mortuary, to see mom for the first time embalmed. I was very, very nervous. Especially when the Director told us that she would look very different. I was shaking when we went into the room where she was. I had her make up bag in my hands and I could smell the scent of her. I was relieved at what I saw. She looked a lot better than when I had seen her last, with her mouth open. Now it was shut, almost in a smiling position, her hands were placed on her tummy, and she just looked so happy. But... without her hair and “face” (as she called it), it wasn't her. Natalie, Shalean, Heather, and I got the opportunity to dress Mom in her temple dress and temple clothing. It was such a sweet experience, especially because Lance and Katie and Clint were able to watch. To touch a dead person was a very strange experience. She wasn't the soft, warm, cuddly mom... she was very cold, and very hard. I was scared to move her arm much because it felt like it would snap. But with the Funeral Director's help, her clothes went on pretty easily. Then he told us to put her make up on by ourselves... at first I really didn't want to, I thought that was his job... but then I realized that HE didn't know her, we did. We knew what she wore and what she liked. So the sisters and even the sister in law's put on Mom's make up. That was very emotionally hard for me. Her face was so hard, and she had lost so much weight it didn't even look like her. But once we put her eyebrows on and blush, it looked more and more like her. The hardest part was when we put her wig on, and hair sprayed the hair in place. I covered her forehead out of habit (shielding the eyes), and we all broke down. After we were done dressing her and making her pretty, the brothers helped the funeral director put her in the casket, her final resting place. That was hard to watch, but the boys needed that.
Then he prepared us for what would happen before the funeral... we couldn't put her veil on yet, we would do that right before they closed the casket. He wanted each of the sister's to have a part in that. He asked who was the oldest, and who was the youngest. Natalie put the veil on her head, Shalean had to hold her head up, Heather tied the bow on the side... and he looked at me and asked “do you know what this means?” I was already crying pretty hard, so I nodded my head yes. I had the hardest part. I had to put the veil over her face.
That night was the viewing, and that's when Randy was able to get away from finals and come. He made it just in time. Macey had ridden up with Rick and the girls from Logan.... it was so nice to have my little family back. I just melted in Randy's arms when he showed up at the viewing. I hadn't seen him since she died, he has been my rock through it all, so it was very emotional for me to see him again. We figure there were over 600 people come to the viewing, and over 300 people came to the Funeral. It was overwhelming and exhausting, to say the least.
The morning of the funeral I had the worst anxiety attack I have ever had. I told my sister's I don't think I'll be able to talk at the funeral.... and they were preparing to step in for me if I couldn't do it. My Dad gave me a great big bear hug and was gasping for air he was crying so hard. I didn't realize how bad it hurts him to see US in pain... anyway, when the Funeral started, I felt at peace with talking... finally. I got up there and talked for 5 minutes without any problems, just a few tears... in the back of my mind I could just hear what my mom had taught me long ago about giving talks in church “keep your head up, speak into the microphone, make eye contact”. She was there helping me. There was no way I could have been able to do it without her.... and without the tender mercies of Heavenly Father, I couldn't have been able to endure any of it. Even though a lot of the times I think I could have done without this experience, I am grateful that my mom, my best friend is able to be with Heavenly Father again, and my sister. I know that she is on the other side, pulling strings for me and rooting me on. Love you, Mom. Thanks... for everything.
