2 years.

Honestly, I was hoping for the 2nd year marker without my Mom to come and go without much pain.I'm tired of hurting. Of course, that did not happen. The emotions I feel are still very raw and tender, especially around this time of year. But along with the feelings of sadness and loss, I also feel happy and relieved. It took me a while to get to the point where I am actually happy for my Mom. My sweet sister gave me and my other sisters a Willow Tree statuette of a woman raising both of her arms in victory, as if she had just come in first from a race. She told us "because that's how I picture Mom and Lori {my oldest sister that died from cancer, too} reacted when they reached the other side." I put that ornament by pictures I have of my Mom and Lori in my front room and love to look at them and think how right on Natalie was.I bet that's exactly what they did. Not only are they free from the awful diseases that riddled their bodies, but they are free of pain from this temporal world.

At first it was all about me. How can I possibly handle this? I miss Mom so much. I lost my best friend. My children lost an amazing grandmother. Will I ever feel normal again? Etc. One of my good friends  (who also lost her Mom at a young age) from my old ward wrote me a beautiful letter after Mom passed away and she told me something that I will never forget. She said "just remember that the pain is ours, they are very happy where they are at". The pain is ours. At the time I thought yeah, no kidding the pain is ours-- and I couldn't get much past that. Now that I am starting to know how to deal with the loss, I am able to look past it and actually be happy for my Mom.. I can only imagine all the good that she is doing on the other side. She hated being pretty much confined to her recliner and bed that last little while... I am sure that she is more than making up for that now.

I used to agonize over Macey and recently Collin. They won't know their Grandma Judy. Their Grandma Judy won't know them! I can now see that I was very wrong on both accounts. Grandma Judy definitely knows my kids, very well. I also realized that I was only 2 when my sister died, but over the years it feels as if we've grown closer. I am sure my kids will feel the same way with their Grandma. I know I feel the same way about her, too. Even though she is physically gone, I feel like she is still very much around and my relationship with her is still growing. It just stinks that she's not here for me to call everyday and talk to. Since she's been gone, there have been some very close calls in our family where we were so lucky that everything turned out to be ok. I always wonder if Mom had a part in that. Then I think of course she did, it's MOM! =)

This second year has definitely been different than the 1st year. I am able to see and feel more than the constant feeling of loss, and for that I am so grateful. I definitely still have bad days, but I'm sure that will be the case for many years. It's a learning process. So today while I am remembering my mother, I'm trying not to focus on what we lost, but what our family gained... another angel who will do anything to see our family succeed. I am so lucky to belong to such an amazing family. I love you, Mom! Merry Christmas!!