1 year.

I can't come up with adequate words to describe some of the things I have felt, seen, heard and thought since the passing of my Mom. I'm definitely not a writer, but I feel like I need to get this out so I can look back and read this some day and remember. WARNING: This post is just a lot of ramblings. To read a super inspiring post about my mom written by my sister, go here.

The feeling of loss is constant and still tender. Sometimes the feelings of despair and anguish are prevalent. The love I have felt from my family and especially from our all-knowing Heavenly Father has been overwhelming. The loyalty of my family is unquestionable. Sometimes I think I am too immature to go through this and be a sane person. Most of the time I try to push my emotions to the side (that never works). The truth and hope of the Gospel is there. I rely on my faith. Constantly, I am humbled.

Watching my Mom battle cancer was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She handled it like a champ. Even though she was in unspeakable pain, she never complained. She was constantly trying to better herself and was so concerned about other people's well being. I remember flipping through one of her little notebooks she would keep by the end table, and in barely legible writing, I made out "What can I learn from this?" That has stuck with me ever since. This is a growing experience for me. What can I learn from it? How can I become a better person because of it? I am still learning and probably will always continue to learn and grow from it.

Mom told me after we found out that the cancer was terminal that she and my Dad had had a talk. She told my Dad "I'm worried about the kids." He told her that she would probably be able to do more for us on the other side than she would here. I think about that often. I'm sure that my Mom is doing all she can for us on the other side, preparing a place for us, preparing a way. I need to be doing all I can do to make sure that I can be there. My brother Justin told us of an experience he had while listening to Elder Holland's talk in conference. He said " when I listened to the story of the father taking off his clothes to swim the raging river to rescue his son, the spirit told me very strongly that my mother swam across the raging river to save her children. She can do more on the other side than she could do here. There is nothing that Mom would not do to have us all return to her and our Heavenly Father. She loves us more than I will ever appreciate. Always remember!" Her pain will not be in vain.

One of the last pieces of advice my mom gave us all was last Thanksgiving, we knew the cancer was terminal and we were asking her questions, "what can we do?" "is there anything you want to do?" She told us very calmly "Just relax... and enjoy". What advice! What strength! What courage! My mom never ceased to amaze me. I kept bugging her about what I could do for her and she said "Just serve others. When you serve others, think of me." I thought it was so fitting that for the one year anniversary of my mom's passing... my brothers, sisters and Dad in Idaho are getting together and making my parents' neighbors and home teachers/visiting teachers gifts and taking them around. That is exactly what mom would have wanted.

Watching my mom literally go through the Refiner's fire has strengthened my testimony immensely. In her computer room she had written the saying "If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear". As I look back on those last years of my mom's life, these scriptures come to mind: "peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment" "And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high" (D&C 121:7-8). I'm so grateful for the life that she led, what an example she is to me!

Even though I am still struggling with the constant heartache of it all, I am thankful for this life changing experience. It has definitely taught me what's most important in life, especially around this time of year. I also have a greater understanding of and appreciation for God's will. I am determined to become a better person because of this trial.

"The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless."

--President Faust, 2006