3 years.

Three years ago today, my Mom passed away. Like I said in my 2nd year post, I was hoping for the anniversary to pass me by without feeling much pain, but again, it didn't. I don't think it ever will. This week will always be a very tender time for me, and I'm actually thankful for it. It forces me to sit down and think about my life and my family.... reminisce about the good times, and hard times. This experience has forever changed the Christmas season for me, and for that I'm grateful. I won't lie, it is hard having this aching pain that is more pronounced over the holidays, but it helps to keep things in perspective. I'll never forget how I felt in 2007 while my Mother laid in her bed dying and I stood in a store, dazed by all the hustle and bustle. I remember thinking how worthless it all was, that family is all that matters.

Over the past week I have thought a lot about my Mom, particularly those last few days and how hard they were, but yet so spiritual. At a time where my world was turning upside down, I felt my Savior's love so strongly. I felt that again today when I went to the temple. My siblings got together at my Dad's house for dinner and then made plates of goodies to take around to his neighbors; it's a tradition that they've started since my Mom passed. I was feeling pretty bad that I couldn't be there, but decided the Temple is the perfect place to be on this day. The Spirit was there so strongly, I knew that my Mom was so proud of me. It was a very special experience that I will hold close to my heart. What a great way to honor and remember her, I think that will be my tradition that I carry on.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about her still. I miss her. I miss her phone calls, I miss her laughter, I miss her companionship, I miss watching her be a grandmother and loving every second of it, I miss everything. Even after three years, I still have a hard time when I see a Mom and daughter out shopping or having lunch, or a Grandma out shopping for her grandchildren. Ironically enough, my oldest nephew opened up his mission call today. He's going to Puerto Rico. I couldn't help but think how proud my Mom is of him and his decision, and what she would be doing and saying if she were here. Along with the "missing", it's also been hard watching life go on without her. So much has changed since she's been gone, and that's hard for me. Luckily Macey does have some memories of Grandma Judy and knows her by pictures, but with Collin and any other children I may have I will have to keep the memory of her alive for them. Collin was looking at my wedding album the other day and pointed at a picture of me, Randy and our parents. He pointed at each one and said who it was, and then pointed at my Mom and just stared. That was a very hard pill to swallow and I cried for a good while. He is missing out on an amazing grandma in this life. Because of this, I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation. My kids may not have known Grandma Judy in this life, but they sure as heck will know her in the next. ;)

We love you Mom/Grandma! Sure do miss you! Thank you for all the memories that I cherish and all that you taught me. I will forever be grateful for your unwaivering testimony. It has changed my life.